Talk about a mindfuck! Well okay it's not that bad but by the end of the thing I was on my 10th Kölsch so I have an excuse. Plus my bladder's not what it used to be in my Hitler Youth so I had to pause it about 12 times. Anyway: this is based on a Spanish movie called El Vanillo Skyo or something Spanish. I prefer Latin, but whatever. Tom Cruise plays a spoiled pretty boy rich magazine heir whose biggest problem is that both Penelope Cruz and Cameron Diaz are crazy about him. I'm sure the Spanish version is better because it does not have Tom Cruise, whose whacky religion is even more bizarre than mine, but does have the smoking hot Penelope Cruz, who is most likely a good Catholic girl. Did I mention how smoking she is? I'd give her benedictions all night long! Everything's going great for ol' Tommy until Diaz, who is actually pretty great playing a psycho crazy bitch, loses it and fucks up his face in a car crash. Can you imagine the horror, a pretty boy like Tom Cruise now unable to coast through life through sheer handsomeness? I read that when they shot the film they had convinced Tom that his face actually had been fucked up which makes sense because he takes it hard. Then some trippy shit happens and Penelope Cruz falls in love with him anyway and more trippy shit happens but it's not that trippy because it's just Cameron Crowe directing but then it's just a dream or maybe it's not and there's some weird futuristic agency that set this whole thing up in his brain like Eternal Sunshine or about a million other movies these days. Or fucking TOTAL RECALL c'mon people at least Hitler had some new ideas! Plus the title is a reference to a Monet painting and I know Jesus says turn the other cheek and all but I just can't forgive the French. We are all humbled before the Lord.
The Pope Does Not Approve!
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